Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Goodbye Friday...you will be missed.
For the past two years I have enjoyed having every Friday of every week off of work. This is my only decent night off of the week. You see, every Saturday I am forced to sell alcoholic beverages to all the partygoers, often being invited to said parties in the process, while lamenting the fact that I will be stuck there until 7a.m. No partying for Dave. I liken it to being Santa Claus. You deliver all these wicked ass presents to a plethora of undeserving shitheads, yet you can't sit down and play with your own presents because you are FUCKING WORKING! But Friday has been a different story. I enjoy stopping by my place of employment on that day to purchase my own alcoholic beverages and mock the poor sap behind the counter. It's one of the few joys in my life. Well, thanks to lung cancer, I now have to work on Fridays too. You may ask, "Now Dave...how in the hell is lung cancer responsible for you losing your Friday?" Well, it's simple. Okay, its not simple at all and a really long story. Lets just say, until a certain family member of a certain co-employee dies of this disease, I am stuck on Fridays. How am I supposed to say no to someone with a cancer stricken brother? I may be a bastard, but I'm no son-of-a-bitch. My mother, being of the cheery sort, told me "I wouldn't worry about it, he'll probably die soon." Well, though those timeless motherly words are certainly encouraging, it does little to ease MY suffering. Because of lung cancer, I will be missing my Grindhouse Friday's on IFC, my Metalocalypse re-runs on Adult Swim, my quality time with beer, and the ever important mocking of the poor sap behind the counter. This is why I've decided to find a cure for lung cancer. The benefits of discovering this cure will far outweigh the tireless round the clock work to achieve my goal. For instance, people will no longer have to quit smoking! Ohio will lift that pesky smoking ban, and (most importantly) I may never have to work another Friday again! Contact me immediately if you would like to donate a large sum of money to the Metal Dave Organization for Lung Cancer Abolishment and Friday Night Enjoyment Fund (MDOfLCAaFNEF for short....I like for things to be easy to remember) Now, I know what some of you are thinking. Probably something like "You are going to HELL you selfish motherFUCKER!". And you are probably right! And I'm probably going to die of lung cancer, which makes my discovering a cure all that more urgent! So, send me your money already! Because the sooner I find a cure, the longer it will take me to reach Hell.