Strippers, Snakes, and Cops....

As many people know, I have been employed at a gas station for 3 and a half years. For the majority of those 3 and a half years I have been the third shift guy. During this time I have seen my fair share of weird shit, to say the least. Although this may not be the strangest thing I have witnessed while at work, it is hands down the most amusing.

For the past several weeks I have had a couple of regular customers who just so happen to be strippers at one of the areas least desirable clubs. I will not say the name of the place, but I will say that they offer insanely cheap steak dinners as a way to con people into going there. If your radio spot offers $2.00 steak instead of insanely hot nude girls, you know you are in for a treat. Anyway, I've grown quite fond of these two women since they never fail to inadvertently make me chuckle. At roughly 4:30 this morning the two came flying into the parking lot, and quickly abandoned their car in what can only be described as a Dukes of Hazzard fashion. As usual, neither of them were dressed appropriately for being in public, one of them in her usual manties and a t shirt emblazoned with the logo of her club, the other in a glorified bath towel with nothing underneath. This, however, is not what caught my attention. The two were obviously distressed and the larger of the two (in the manties) was going on about a "fucking SNAKE!" I had to investigate. Apparently a serpent of some kind had found its way into the unfortunate ladies car. While traveling the highway, the creature slithered across the passenger (we'll just call her manties) bare foot. My initial thought was that the two had gotten a batch of some bad acid and were having a freakout right there in the parking lot. Then I saw it. It was brief, but sure as shit, a snake had managed to crawl into the dashboard of their car. The more slender one in the towel (I shall deem her Skeletor since she resembles the Masters of the Universe villian in the face) informed me that she was at a nature preserve the day before and the snake must have found its way into her car then. So, I did what any respectful person would do and called the cops, knowing that my friend on duty would be more than willing to help out two distressed strippers. Instead, an attractive female officer was the first to show up. She had with her one of those long poles with a loop on the end often used to catch much larger animals than snakes. Then my buddy shows up and, as it turns out, is scared shitless of snakes. Between customers, I ended up being the one doing most of the work as the female officer was also not fond of the reptiles. With the aid of police flashlight, I searched under the dash trying my best to find the little fella. Somehow, the snake was evading us all. Manties told us that there was no way in HELL she was getting back in that car. Skeletor said that if the dashboard was taken apart, her husband would be very angry. The two cops were at a complete loss as of what to do, my buddy saying that if he saw the snake he was beating it to death. Hoping to save the critter, I did my very best (including blindly reaching into every crack and crevice of the dashboard) to lure the thing out. This snake wasn't moving. We decided that the heat of the engine was inviting to the snake, therefor it was not coming out. My buddy said he believed the snake was probably hiding in the airbag compartment, and couldn't be reached. I noted that, if the girls were to have an accident and the airbag was deployed, a snake flying at Skeletors face would probably not help the matter. My buddy then said he wasn't leaving until he got the snake out, and that he hadn't beaten on a snake in quite some time. I told him I doubted that to be true. For the next half hour we labored to get the creature free (me hoping to save it from a needless beating in the process) but to no avail. At the end of the ordeal, the girls drove off with a snake in there car, and the cops left the scene defeated. I have no doubts that Skeletor and Manties ride home was a fun one indeed...